Mad Uncle Max's Brainstorm Blog
02.04.2008
Greetings fellow racing fans. Firstly I must point out that everything that you have read recently about me is all lies….LIES I TELLS YA…..and anyone who is found speaking of the deformations of my character will eizer meet a velly sticky end or vill vake up with a prancing horse’s head in zehr beds.
Sorry, I am not quite myself at the moment and have come over all funny since Chew Mi stopped giving me my medication. You see a man has urges, that a small, virginal, Thai Lady Boy just can’t help. For starters, her Thai accent finds it difficult to pronounce umlauts, and then there is the fact that she isn’t quite as Ayrian as my beautiful Aunt Unity.
Quite honestly, I think I may sue…..all of you you substandard scum……I want purity………PURITY.
But really, how could anyone accuse me of racism. Obviously the situation is quite simple. I was attending a German language course, and we were preparing a play showing the horrific nature of the Holocaust. You all know that I like Black people, after all I let Lewis race (although technically he is half white so that is ok). All I was doing was practicing for my oral German examination, and the lovely lady teachers were showing me how to roll my tongue around some particularly difficult German verbs.
The spanking can also be explained……I rocked on my chair a couple of times and talked back at teacher and deserved and welcomed the thorough, and slightly smarting, spanking that I received. And in Central London, £2,500 for a private lesson is quite cheap. My wife has been very impressed with my diligence at watching German movies on the internet, although we both still have problems working out why they all star plumbers with large moustaches.
I won’t resign, after all Hitler never did and my Aunt Unity said that he had lots of stamina and never stopped, even when she asked him to.
15.11.2007
This morning as I enjoyed a massage from Chew Mi and looked out over Monaco Marina I decided that I would write a fly on the wall book about my role this season. It is the kind of book that I would imagine will fly off the shelves of Waterstones, not like my stepbrothers book about Nazis.
I told Chew Mi about my idea and she quickly got up off her knees and grabbed me my Ferrari laptop from the coffee table. It really is amazing the amount of corporate hospitality one gets when one has as an important a job as me, Ferrari ashtrays, a red bobble hat for when I am out snowboarding, a signed picture by John Todt and of course the FIAT Punto that they generously gave me to get around in. I am too concerned about the environment to drive my Fiat Enzo anymore.
The first thing I want to say about this season is that in my opinion yet again it has been very very dangerous. Too many cars driving fast and breaking speed limits. And the way that the engines keep exploding and sending oil everywhere, it’s hardly Carbon Neutral is it? So for the next 10 seasons I have decided that they will use the same engines. I wanted it that it would be the exact same engine that would have to do 190 races, but Bernie was very violent and headbutted me in a place that only Chew Mi is allowed to headbutt. At least this way there will be no silly stories of industrial espionage, and it will keep the championship open for the team that is at the top. There is nothing like some domination of a sport to keep the fans happy. Also it means there will be less overtaking, which as we all know is very silly, dangerous and not something that the fans want to see.
12.05.2006
Dear Diary
Ahhhh, another fine day on the Cote D'Azure. The sun is sparkling off the windows of the lovely Ferrari that I was given by my friends at Maranelo, although I fear that they may take it back soon as they aren't doing all that well in the races. Chew Me told me last night, as she was giving me my bedtime massage, that she heard that Jean isn't so happy about Ferrari's performance at the moment. Apparently he was muttering something about old men and retirement which I can only imagine must have been refering to his number 1 driver Michael. I mean there is no way that I would ever consider retiring now, not after the last time that I threatened to. It was so sad, you could see by the way the drivers and team principles were smiling after my announcement that they were just trying to put on a brave face. And then when I retracted my decision they all looked so upset, it was obvious that they were concerned that I wouldn't get enough time to go snow boarding anymore. And the fans............the way they shouted "go away Max", it was heartwarming to know that they are so worried that I wouldn't get enough time to do my hobbies. It feels so good to be loved by so many people.
And so with all this love in the air it is wonderful to think that 22 teams are applying to race in Formula 1. I have no idea how I am going to chose which ones will get the honour and priviledge of participating in my new safer series, after all I am not one for bribery. Maybe I will just let Bernie decide, seeing as he is the one that is good with figures. That way I can concentrate on the most important aspect of the sport................safety. There have been far too many whacky incidents this season already (although Ross assures me that he is going to have a strong word with young Mr Massa), but even still I don't think that strong words are enough, so I have come up with some additional safety features which I believe should be initiated in 2007. They are as follows:
1. Attach the cars to rails and have the drivers compete using a scaletrix style setup where they control the cars from the garages. If necessary they could put crash test dummies in the cockpits for increased realism.
2. "Baby on Board" stickers to be attached to the wings of all rookie drivers and drivers under the age of 23, that way the other racers will be more understanding when they try to pass them.
3. Stop racing when any incident occurs and investigate it thoroughly before the event is allowed to recommence. Although this may be time consuming and boring for the fans, they will thank us in the long run as they will no longer have to experience the horror of watching crashes and dangerous overtaking manouvers.
Finally and most importantly I suggest that we reduce the speed limit down to a nice, safe 20 miles per hour, after all our races ar held on Sunday afternoons so it is only right that we should drive like Sunday Drivers. And for good measure the drivers should wear flat caps and leather driving gloves too.
See you soon my dear dear diary
Love Maxy xxx
17.02.2006
Dear Diary
This morning I gazed out of my window in Monaco towards the Marina and the many yachts moored there so sparkling and white. For a while a concentrated on seeing if I could spot Mr Abramovich’s yacht from the many bobbing up and down, but it was useless. I think his must have been hidden behind the big boat with a Chelsea flag rippling in the wind. Anyway, I thought to myself as I stared at the armed bodyguards wandering around the boat, safety really is of great importance in this day and age. My eye wandered along the pit straight which is permanently visible here in Monte Carlo. Wow………..that first corner is a bit hairy. My gaze continued over to the final corner of the track. You know I had never noticed that that corner was so tight before. I mean someone could kill themselves there, and then the blood would be on my hands.
“This will not do” I thought, “history or not we must make sure that there is no chance that anything exciting happens at a circuit. Oh no, no, no, no, no”
I thumbed through my address book to find Herman’s number. He answered the phone promptly and listened carefully to my idea to knock down the Grand Prix café and the Cathedral that sits on the first corner. “I am zure zhat it iz doable” he replied “but zhere iz no vay zhat ve can cut through zee casino”
Dammit………foiled at every turn, quite literally. Ahhhhhhh well there must be another way that I can make my drivers lives safer.
I continued to ponder on the issue of safety as I received my daily massage from Chew Me, the wonderful young Thai masseuse that Bernie sent me, and began to think about the fantastic car that had been loaned to me by those friendly guys at Ferrari until I retire. Now that car goes fast, and it feels pretty safe. Maybe we should have some built in safety features on the cars on the track. Nothing to obvious, but still big enough to stick a couple of sponsors on.
Imagine all the extra sponsorship money that could be generated just from an airbag on Ralf Schumacher’s car. Why it would be astounding! And all in the interests of safety. Bernie would be so happy with me.
And actually thinking about Ralf, maybe the cars should have horns as well, just so that the drivers can let each other know that they are about. After all there are some drivers out there who, quite frankly, don’t use their mirrors. If they could use their horns so many accidents would be avoided. And the horns could have different tunes, maybe advertising jingles. Oh I am so clever.
But even horns and airbags will not save all the drivers from injury. I wonder if they could incorporate some protection in to their suits to stop them getting bruises. Now what was it that they wrapped my collection of Nazi crockery in when we moved the FIA from Paris????? Ahhhhh yes……………..bubble wrap. We could make the drivers wear overalls made out of bubble wrap. That would definitely help them to keep safe, after all that dining service that Uncle Adolf gave to my daddy made it down here intact. And it would also help them if a crowd ever throws beer bottles at them again.
See you soon my dear dear diary
Love Maxy xxx
